Greg left a month ago. These are some of the feelings I have had so far.
- Relief. It is a relief that Greg is gone so that we can finally start counting down. It can't end until after it begins. The weeks before a deployment are depressing no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
- Sadness. I have felt really sad two times.: When I was putting away the last of Greg's laundry. And when Greg admitted in a short midnight email that he misses Sara.
- Happiness. Yes, I am happy. See #1. (Also, everything is relative, and I am so much happier now than the first few months after we moved here. Something literally broke in my brain when we got to Cincinnati. Why it was so hard is an analysis for another day. The point it that the adjustment to life here was much harder than the adjustment to Greg's absence has been) I like how simple life is right now. I think this is biggest reason why I am happy. I am focused on my children. I love being with them, and I enjoy the rhythms of everyday life with them. This is a special, close time for the four of us. I know a lot of people are concerned that I "get out." But, so far, there is nowhere I would rather be than at home with my children. I like them. A lot.
- Mentally fatigued. Everything is slightly more complicated. I am very blessed to have many people on whom I can rely: my brother and sister in law, good neighbors, many friends from church, as well as Greg's colleagues at AFIT. But that doesn't mean it's easier or just as easy as having Greg around. So every birthday party that inevitably starts/ends during Sara's nap, every inch of snow on the driveway, every dead car battery, every choir concert or school play, every inconvenient errand is a calculation. Is it reasonable (and/or easier) for me to take care of this myself? If not, then who is the best person to ask for help? It only takes a few moments--to decide I need help and arrange a carpool or find a sitter for Sara or whatever. And I am so grateful that so many people are quick to help! But I am surprised by how mentally draining it is, deciding if I need help and deciding whom to ask.
- Inflexible. I feel like we (I) don't have a lot of capacity for extra stuff. We have our routines, and just a few extra things on top of our normal, expected routines can quickly take its toll on me physically and mentally. For example, a late weeknight out bowling with the Cub Scouts and a big, last-minute school project would have been easily absorbed by both me and Greg. But it doesn't take very many of those kinds of "extras" before I start to feel depleted. We are doing well, truly. I have my head above water. But it wouldn't take much water for me to start drowning.
