Okay, I just need to start, to type something . . .
2014 was the hardest year of my life, and I don't feel an ounce of guilt or regret for not blogging.
But it's not 2014 anymore. And I think I'd like to start blogging again.
I've been blogging for seven years, and I think it should continue to be part of my life. It does not play the role it once did--I used to literally need it to stay sane. I don't need it in that way anymore. But, after seven years, I do realize how precious a post can be, years in the future. David and Mary love to look back at pictures and stories from when they were small. I do too.
I did not set out to create a record of our family, but I love that it became that. I enjoy blogging about my family, so I will continue to do so.
It will be different from years past. David and Mary are older. They want and deserve privacy. Sara may be mildly exasperating at times, but never enough to inspire a my-toddler-is-driving-me-bonkers kind of post. Mostly, she is the precious center of our universe and this blog name still suits our family perfectly.
So my blog will be kind of boring. Pictures, travelogues, cute anecdotes, general updates, and some reflection. And I'm really excited about that.
I also will not be able to post very consistently. Because here's the big thing. I have learned patience . . . and it is called getting enough sleep.
I am not a patience person, I have a quick temper, and I get frustrated easily. For years I have struggled with this, praying and begging God for more patience with my children. Then a little miracle happened. Well, it was a big miracle, but I didn't notice it at first. Here is what happened:
After Greg came home from his deployment, he had some time off. I was so tired. Like, the tiredest I've ever been. Nothing else in my life so far has come close to amount of exhaustion I felt last summer. So when Greg got back, I slept. I slept a lot. It was wonderful and glorious. I did not stay up really late, I slept until my body woke up in the morning, and I even took an afternoon nap. Yes, wonderful and glorious.
It was so wonderful and glorious that after Greg went back to work, I kept it up. I felt like I deserved a break and some more recovery time. So instead of diving into all the projects I'd procrastinated during his deployment, I kept sleeping. I went to bed at a reasonable time, and I took a nap. Every day. I told myself I could do this for a month or so. Then I would go back to using late nights and Sara's naps as time to drill down my to-do list.
But one day I noticed something. I wasn't yelling at my kids in the afternoon. Or in the morning. Or in the evening. In fact, I was enjoying them. Like most families, that time from the moment the kids get off the bus until dinner is on the table is super intense--homework, piano, school projects, snacks, driving to and from activities, friends, dinner prep, needy Sara, and so on. While it was still tiring for me, we were making it through every day without mommy meltdowns. I was even enjoying the time. It was a miracle! God had given me patience! Finally!
And then I realized it wasn't so much that God had given me patience. I'd given myself enough sleep.
I'm still impatient in my core, and I can be grouchy and irritable. But I am much less likely to be so if I am getting enough sleep.
So maybe patience isn't some mysterious gift from God that makes you magically calm, steady, and content. Maybe patience is just doing whatever it is you have to do to keep it together. In my case, He helped me realize I have to make sleep a top priority.
It's actually pretty hard, this making sleep a priority thing.* I am a total night owl and I love staying up late working on stuff. Love it!! But I can't. And, sure, an afternoon nap is nice, but it's hard when my to-do list is long. It's so tempting to skip it, but, when I do, I inevitably find myself short with my family later in the day. Not worth it.
One day I hope I will be able to be patient and kind with my family without having to devote so many hours to sleep. But right now I'm grateful that I have found a way to be a better person for my children.
That is why I will not blog often. I do not have time. I could make time. I could stay up late. I could skip my afternoon nap. But I choose to put my children first.
*It's actually really, really hard. I have given up so much to get enough sleep. I almost mourn the loss of that extra time. I know that sounds silly or lazy or dorky. But it's true. However, I have realized that nothing is more important than being able to be kind to my children. It makes me really happy and is super fulfilling to be able to be a better mom for them. So reasonable bedtime and a daily nap it is!
