Some feelings so far

Greg left a month ago.  These are some of the feelings I have had so far.

1. Relief.  It is a relief that Greg is gone so that we can finally start counting down.  It can't end until after it begins.  The weeks before a deployment are depressing no matter how hard you try to avoid it. 
2. Sadness.  I have felt really sad two times.: When I was putting away the last of Greg's laundry.  And when Greg admitted in a short midnight email that he misses Sara.
3. Happiness.  Yes, I am happy.  See #1.  (Also, everything is relative, and I am so much happier now than the first few months after we moved here.  Something literally broke in my brain when we got to Cincinnati.  Why it was so hard is an analysis for another day.  The point it that the adjustment to life here was much harder than the adjustment to Greg's absence has been)  I like how simple life is right now. I think this is biggest reason why I am happy.  I am focused on my children. I love being with them, and I enjoy the rhythms of everyday life with them.  This is a special, close time for the four of us.  I know a lot of people are concerned that I "get out."  But, so far, there is nowhere I would rather be than at home with my children.  I like them.  A lot.
4. Mentally fatigued.  Everything is slightly more complicated.  I am very blessed to have many people on whom I can rely: my brother and sister in law, good neighbors, many friends from church, as well as Greg's colleagues at AFIT.  But that doesn't mean it's easier or just as easy as having Greg around.  So every birthday party that inevitably starts/ends during Sara's nap, every inch of snow on the driveway, every dead car battery, every choir concert or school play, every inconvenient errand is a calculation.  Is it reasonable (and/or easier) for me to take care of this myself? If not, then who is the best person to ask for help?  It only takes a few moments--to decide I need help and arrange a carpool or find a sitter for Sara or whatever.  And I am so grateful that so many people are quick to help!  But I am surprised by how mentally draining it is, deciding if I need help and deciding whom to ask.  
5. Inflexible.  I feel like we (I) don't have a lot of capacity for extra stuff.  We have our routines, and just a few extra things on top of our normal, expected routines can quickly take its toll on me physically and mentally.  For example, a late weeknight out bowling with the Cub Scouts and a big, last-minute school project would have been easily absorbed by both me and Greg.  But it doesn't take very many of those kinds of "extras" before I start to feel depleted.  We are doing well, truly.  I have my head above water.  But it wouldn't take much water for me to start drowning.

Friday at 3:45 am

On Friday at 3:45 am Greg will wake us up and say good-bye.  Then Uncle Chris will drive him north to the Dayton airport.  Soon thereafter Aunt Leslie will drive the kids and me south to the Cincinnati airport.  My grandmother passed away and we are flying to Boise.

This has been quite the week.

I am so tired and the hard stuff hasn't even begun.  But I am at peace.  If I am honest with myself, I feel peace.  Faith and not fear, right?

Faith; not fear.



P.S.  I don't know when I will be able to blog again.  It will probably be a few weeks.  Flickr and Twitter might be a better place to find me for a little while.  I am not often on Facebook.

Worry

Sara sits on her dad's lap as he signs his updated will.

Greg leaves this Friday at 3:30 in the morning.  He is going first to El Paso for combat skills training.  The training is not structured in such a way for us to visit him there before he goes overseas.  We will say good-bye Thursday night, and that will be that.

After training in El Paso, he will be stationed at a base in Qatar.  From Qatar he will be traveling to Army bases throughout the region checking on various engineering projects.  Some people have asked if I will visit him in Qatar, and the answer is no.  Sure, Qatar is not a war zone.  We even have friends that live there.  (Hi, Tyler and Mary!)  But a deployment is a deployment.  It's military life and work 24-7, site-seeing with family certainly not included.  (His year in Honduras was technically not a deployment.  I used that term sometimes on my blog because it was easier to understand than "short-tour PCS.")  Even if I traveled all the way to Qatar, he would not necessarily have time/be allowed to see me, and he probably wouldn't even be in the country.

So we will say good-bye Thursday night, and that will be that.  Until sometime in August.

I know people wonder if I worry about what will happen.  I'm not always exactly sure what they mean by this questions, but I assume they wonder if I worry about what could happen to Greg.

I guess I do. I mean, since we updated our wills and powers of attorney and all that stuff, we talked a lot about worst-case scenarios.  So it's not like we haven't thought about the worst that could happen.  But our discussions all seemed pretty theoretical.  Though I will say that there is real peace that comes from knowing all of your affairs are in order, especially concerning your children.  I highly recommend this, whatever your situation is.

I wish Greg were going to be safe and sound on the base in Qatar the whole time.  The travel itself from base to base worries me, and I'm not too excited about some of the places he could travel to.  But, at least so far, I don't worry about it too much.

To be honest, I worry more about myself.  And my ability to handle things.  I'm not talking about if some big crisis happens.  Like most people, I can rise to the occasion in a crisis.  I'll deal with it when it comes.  I worry much more about small crises and mundane tasks.

Like,

1. Saturdays
2. Getting enough sleep
3. Remembering to collect and take out the garbage and recycling on Sunday nights
4. Dinnertime 
5. Losing my wallet
6. Losing my phone
7. How I will "catch up" on life if a sickness or something unexpected throws us out of our routine
8. Computer problems, even very minor ones
9. Snow
10. A billing problem with Tricare
11. Adjusting straps on strollers and car seats
12. The yard
13. Resetting the wireless router
14. Passwords
15. Clogged toilets
16. Church
17. Bugs

Worrying about Greg almost feels like a luxury, an emotional indulgence that I can't afford right now.  I am more concerned with my own survival and that of my children.  Maybe that is selfish.  Maybe it's a defense mechanism.  But it's the truth.

So if you ask if I am worried, the answer is yes.  

But it probably has more to do with my toilets than my husband.